In case you missed it, last week, the inimitable Iowahawk went scorched-earth in a thread responding to liberals flipping out over Elon Musk’s crackdown on lefty hack journalists.
I believe I am the only person on Twitter who is more than happy to retweet what I said about Twitter 6 years agohttps://t.co/qna5FFZEwh
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) December 16, 2022
The entire thread was a thing of beauty, and you should read it now if you haven’t already. And even if you have, you should read it again, because it’s just that good.
And the same goes for Iowahawk’s thread today. This one happens to be all about how Twitter would operate under an Iowahawk regime, and we’ve gotta say, it sounds pretty good to us:
Honestly, he could’ve just stopped at that tweet and we’d’ve been happy. But he blessed us with so much more:
My qualifications:
Twitter could do worse, and always has
Occasionally create content that people who otherwise hate each other both enjoy
Keen ability to recognize and curate my TL of accounts that step over the worthless asshole line, regardless of politics
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) December 19, 2022
My demands:
$125/hour + time & a half overtime*
Cadillac health care package & 401k
I work 100% remote from my trailer in Austin, I ain't flying into SFO every other goddamn week*Yeah, I realize that's big money, but I'm the manager of this Walmart not a cashier
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) December 19, 2022
He’s seriously got this whole thing figured out.
My business plan:
Day 1: open up targeted ad placement on individual account timelines. Account can set ad price and has approval power over any ad. Twitter gets 50% cut. People who create appealing content here deserve to make a few bucks.
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) December 19, 2022
And if you expect to be a part of this new Twitter under Iowahawk, know that the Terms of Service may be harsh, but they’re also more than fair.
3. Any backchannel communique from a government official or agency requesting some kind of action be taken against a domestic US account will not be ignored. It will be laughed at, then I will personally post it for everybody to see.
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) December 19, 2022
How can you not already love where this is going?
4. The normal ban rules apply: no racist / antisemite / N-word enthusiasts, spammers, doxxers, account imposters, kiddie diddlers, etc., and will be enforced in a bipartisan way.
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) December 19, 2022
5. And no fomenting violence. I mean the "hey gang, let's meet here tomorrow night to burn down this thing" actual fomenting of violence, not the "this person who made fun of me is engaging in stochastic terrorism" crap
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) December 19, 2022
6. The only bot allowed is @iowahawkbot
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) December 19, 2022
That seems reasonable.
7. Otherwise I reserve the right to ban any account for any reason at any time. I have a wide bipartisan tolerance for speech, but step over my worthless asshole line and *poof* you're gone. I may not be able to define "worthless asshole" but I know one when I see one.
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) December 19, 2022
8. In order to placate remaining concerns about the very existence of accounts with which you disagree, I will note that there is a BLOCK BUTTON you whiney baby. In fact I will SUPERSIZE the block button so you can block everybody who follows the account, or the account follows.
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) December 19, 2022
That's it, that's my platform.
In the spirit of the times I will of course take the voice of the people into full consideration. Me for Twitter CEO?
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) December 19, 2022
If Elon Musk ever does decide to follow the results of his recent poll and step down from the Twitter helm, he could do a hell of a lot worse than to turn the wheel over to Iowahawk.
Editor’s note: This post has been updated with an additional tweet.
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