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Proud gold-digger's essay about her fabulous life weirdly doesn't mention what she likes to do with severed pigs' heads

Insider recently published a delightful as-told-to essay by a woman named Amber Lucas, who, after a great deal of research and dedication, has discovered a great way to see the world and learn a lot about herself in the process:

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Apparently Amber had to kiss quite a few frogs before she finally started catching princes:

And from that moment, her life would never be the same.

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Fortunately, Amber was able to rebound. Several times.

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It’s nice that Amber found her niche in society as an unapologetic gold-digger who’s willing to potentially risk becoming a sex slave or murder victim if she can get a Birkin out of the deal. Not everyone is able to figure out their life’s real purpose while they’re still relatively young, let alone at any age.

Anyway, “unapologetic gold-digger” is actually a step up from how Amber usually spent her time, which was as a violent and unhinged left-wing rioter:

Oh hai, Amber. We almost didn’t recognize you.

Did one of Amber’s wealthy sugar daddies bail her out?

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So weird that she left that out of her essay. It’s way more interesting than the jet-setting-Pretty-Woman stuff. Any lady can be a gold-digger, but it takes a very special kind of gal to get creative with a severed head.

Heh.

Anyway, we’ll wrap this up with a piece of advice for all the wealthy guys out there who match with Amber Lucas on dating apps:

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