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Be advised: Alleged SNL writer warns that 'if I see you walking on the sidewalk without a mask, I WILL b*tchslap you'

We’d never heard of him, but apparently Matthew Goldin is a 23-year-old bisexual writer for “Saturday Night Live.” Oh, and he’s apparently also a big proponent of wearing masks outside. Woe unto anyone who fails to heed his warning:

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Once more, with feeling!

Uh-oh … all you outdoor breathers had better watch your backs!

Don’t tempt him. Matthew’s a scary dude. With fists of steel, we bet.

Don’t worry. He’ll never get a chance to see or hear your response. Because Matthew Goldin is not going to b*tchslap anyone.

Whether or not Matthew likes his teeth, he’s not going to lay a hand on anyone. He wouldn’t dare, because he knows that at the end of the day, he’s just another tough-talking wimp who hides behind a Twitter account.

If Matthew Goldin is actually a writer at SNL, his tweet is probably the funniest SNL-related thing we’ve seen in recent memory. Can’t you just picture him sitting inside his apartment, face pressed up against the window, quietly daring the people on the sidewalks below to look up at him with their maskless faces so he can give them the finger and make the knife-cut-across-the-throat gesture? That would actually make a pretty great SNL sketch in its own right.

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It all makes sense now.

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