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Calling DOGE: The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service Seems to Have WAY Too Much Time on Its Hands

AP Photo/Gerald Herbert

Many Federal employees are running pretty scared right now with the knowledge that Elon Musk's and Vivek Ramaswamy's Department of Government Efficiency is going to be taking a long, hard look at what they do every day to justify spending taxpayer money like sailors on shore leave. 

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While some departments are much bigger and much more wasteful than others, Musk and Ramaswamy have given every indication that no department or agency will be immune to or outside the scope of their investigation and analysis. 

Yes, that means even you, U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service. 

Yesterday, CBS News reported that the USFWS has declared giraffes -- yes, giraffes -- an endangered species

Now, don't get us wrong. We've got nothing against giraffes. They are beautiful, elegant animals and we would hate for them to go away. 

But why is the USFWS declaring them endangered when there are no giraffes in America outside of zoos?

Are ... are the zookeepers poaching them? Because that would be very bad.

Giraffe populations are in trouble — and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service on Wednesday proposed listing three subspecies of the tall animals as endangered and two species as threatened under the Endangered Species Act.

Their populations have been declining because of poaching, habitat loss and climate change, officials said. While giraffes are not native to the U.S., listing them under the act would still provide protections to giraffe populations. 

The Endangered Species Act, enacted in 1973, establishes protections for fish, wildlife and plants that are listed as threatened or endangered. Under the act, federal agencies are required to ensure their actions are unlikely to jeopardize listed species, according to the agency. 

'Federal protections for giraffes will help protect a vulnerable species, foster biodiversity, support ecosystem health, combat wildlife trafficking, and promote sustainable economic practices,' USFWS Director Martha Williams said in a press release. 'This action supports giraffe conservation while ensuring the United States does not contribute further to their decline.'

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Hey, USFWS Director Martha Williams. you'd better get ready for Musk and Ramaswamy to ask, 'What would you say you DO here?'

Sigh ... we used to be a proper country. With our vast, roaming herds of giraffes. 

Giraffe poachers are running rampant in downtown Chicago and St. Louis just looking for their next targets. Maybe that's why those cities have so many shootings every weekend. The gangs are just trying to bag their next giraffe trophy. 

Oh, but it gets even better. While USFWS lists poaching as the primary cause of giraffes' declining population, they are also blaming it on ... wait for it ... climate change. 

Because, of course, they are. 

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The legacy media is dead, this is true, but in this instance, we're more inclined to blame useless government bureaucrats who have nothing of value to contribute.

Well, certainly the climate changes. It does that all the time. But it's not doing it in a way the left believes it is. And it's certainly not killing off the giraffes.

Maybe one of the poachers is named 'Climate Change'? Seems like a weird name for a hunter, but we're not ruling it out. 

And what if we're misjudging the intentions of these long-necked 'alleged' vegetarians? 

LOL. It's all a part of the great giraffe conspiracy to overthrow humanity. 

That seems a little far-fetched though. Most people were very concerned about the plight of the American giraffe. 

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Ah, we forgot. It's always those darned white supremacists and their gas-guzzling death machines. 

At times? 

Say, maybe we just need to give the USFWS even more of our hard-earned dollars so they can act more quickly.

Or, on the other hand ...

Look at it this way, USFWS officials. If DOGE eliminates your jobs, you are free to move to countries where you actually can help protect giraffes. 

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Just watch out for that climate change. It's a killer. 

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