NH Teacher Union Head Says the Quiet Part Out Loud As She Rails...
WATCH: The New Naked Gun Trailer Drops With the PERFECT O.J. Simpson Joke
Flashback: Here's Nancy Pelosi Singing a (D)ifferent Tune on China, Trade Deficits, and...
‘Hmmm’: Adam Kinzinger Suspicious There Are No Tariffs on Russia
What a Peach! Watch Unhinged Leftist Crow About 'No FEMA' for Tornado-Impacted Red...
Tim Walz's Magical Media Tour Continues! He Tells MSNBC Voters Regret Electing Trump...
Not Even CLOSE, Bud! The Hill Wants Us to Believe the Pendulum Is...
Only 19% of Baltimore Kids Are Proficient in Math, So the District Spends...
Jamie Raskin Calls Fed. Employees Patriots, Claims They Pass Up MANY Rich Jobs...
U.S. Bans Romantic Relationships Between Gov Workers and Chinese Citizens, Eric Swalwell H...
EPIC Post from GenZ'r Explaining Why He's NOT Worried About His 401K DECIMATES...
Now That the Border Is Secure It's Safe for Dems to Go (Tom...
NBC News Scrapes the Bottom of the Barrel to Get a Nurse's Opinion...
CNN's Abby Phillip Gets Fact Checked to Her Face!
HORSES**T! Stephanie Ruhle Tries Lecturing MAGA About What THEY Voted for but Dean...

Barking Mad? Woman Has Knotty Thoughts About an Oak Tree and the Replies Will Leaf You in Tears

AngieArtist

'Tis the season for people pretending to have odd sexual orientations … apparently.

As Twitchy readers know, we told you about a woman who identifies as a bandwagon, goalpost-moving sexuality known as 'abrosexual'.

Advertisement

The subject of this story, however, claims to be attracted to a giant oak tree. Would that make her 'arborsexual'?

Nope. She claims to be an 'ecosexual', not to be confused with 'echosexuals', who are attracted to the sound of their own voices.

Yes, we just made that up. In our defense, they're just making this stuff up too.

'A big misconception is that ecosexuality means sex between people and nature, it’s a different way to explore the erotic,' the forest fetishist explained. 'To watch the changing of the seasons is to me an erotic act. You go from death in winter and then everything comes alive in spring and mates.'

In other words, she's nuts … or acorns.

Evergreen. LOL.

Bwahaha!

Tree marriage seems like a bad idea, especially with oak trees. Many oak trees are marcescent, you see, which means they do not drop their leaves until spring. Entering into holy matrimony with such a tree runs afoul of the warning against being unequally oaked with an un-de-leafer. (We worked hard for that one. We're not even sorry.)

Advertisement

Un-poplar opinion: It's way too hard to avoid contradictions in the rules when you attempt to normalize insanity.

Finally, someone who sees the forest past the trees.

LOL. Well played.

We're guessing there's a 90-percent chance she becomes a tweezersexual at some point.

Fine. We'll just turn over the puns to you folks now … fir real.

That's what we're talking about!

Ecosexual tree-hugger lady: 'Hey, Groot. You wanna get with me?'

Advertisement

Groot: 'No.'

Hawt! That tree clearly exfoliagates.

Perfect.

We just can't take any more.

We're gonna leaf you with that one, spruce up our timeline, branch out into some non-deviant content, and get back to our roots on more traditional Democrat insanity.

***

Editor's Note: Do you enjoy Twitchy's conservative reporting taking on the radical left and woke media? Support our work so that we can continue to bring you the truth. Join Twitchy VIP and use the promo code SAVEAMERICA to get 40% off your VIP membership!

Join the conversation as a VIP Member

Recommended

Trending on Twitchy Videos

Advertisement
Advertisement
Advertisement