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Conflict on Gobblers Knob: PETA's Annual Attempt to Chuck Groundhog Day

AP Photo/Gene J. Puskar

One day each year, in the dead of winter, Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, becomes the center of the weather world. Thousands will gather on Gobblers Knob to wait for the world's most famous marmot meteorologist to emerge from his den and predict how long we have to wait for the arrival of spring.

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Punxsutawney Phil, the prognosticator of prognosticators, has been officially predicting the end of winter in 'Punxy' (with varying degrees of accuracy) since the 1880s when the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club was formed. Over the years, Phil has become somewhat of a celebrity. He even has his own fan club, which calls itself 'Phil Phans.' Parties, banquets, and balls will be held in the days surrounding Groundhog Day to honor the weather-predicting rodent.

Not everyone is a 'Phil Phan'; the killjoys of PETA are, as they do every year, taking issue with the Punxsutawney Ground Hog Club. They claim the fury forecaster is being held against his will and should be set free.

In a letter sent to the president of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club, they even had the audacity to question the authenticity of Phil's mystical meteorological powers.

"If you don't like this idea, the icing on the cake is that we have another offer: We'd be happy to send you a large thermometer for Gobbler's Knob instead that reads, 'If it's still cold, it's still winter,' which would aptly represent the absurdity of the current form of this tired old spectacle. We look forward to hearing from you, as always," PETA wrote

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Large thermometers and vegan cake? PETA hasn't come up with anything that dumb since last year when they suggested flipping a giant coin.

PETA insists that it is acting in the groundhog's best interest and that Phil would be better off living outside in the cold.

 Retire Phil to a reputable sanctuary with his family, and every year we’ll provide a giant vegan “Weather Reveal” cake (it would be the first in the world this year) to share with revelers at Gobbler’s Knob. If the inside of the cake is blue, there will be six more weeks of winter. If it’s pink, there will be an early spring. This would allow you to still make tourism dough while showing Phil a slice of decency. It would be as least as accurate as asking a groundhog what to expect in a way that doesn’t even reflect his nature.

Currently, when Phil is not working one day a year, the chunky woodchuck weatherman spends his days being pampered at the Punxsutawney Library. He might not be able to leave his den and freely wander the pristine woodlands of central PA, but his life is also free of coyotes, bobcats, birds of prey, and other predators. It seems a fair trade for one day of work.

There's no chance that anyone in Punxy will take PETA's offer seriously, and Phil will continue his pampered lifestyle unless we get six more weeks of winter.

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Act accordingly, Phil.

The vegan cake is the most laughable part of PETA's idiotic idea. Vegans in Punxsutawney are like Bigfoot. There have been rumors of sightings, but there is no scientific evidence that either actually exists.

Phil's future and Groundhog Day traditions are safe in Punxsutawney. The people there are the quintessential representation of small-town America. They hunt, fish, and enjoy the great outdoors.

PETA may be the only thing the folks in Punxy like less than vegan cake.

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